Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
