dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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