i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
