come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
