there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
