She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
