Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
