Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
it's like heaven, but drunker
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
