She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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