these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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