Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
