ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
