im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
