If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
