The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
