So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
