i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
