he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
