Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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