That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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