My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
