I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
