also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
