Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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