im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
