Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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