My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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