Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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