never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There's a naked man in my car right now.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
