U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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