even my farts smell like vagina
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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