How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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