imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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