he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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