the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
