I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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