i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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