true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
