Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
