So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
