My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
