so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I touched a dick in church today
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
