im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
