There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
