I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
