Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
