You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
