i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
