My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
