so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
